Meditation Writing

I found this post on another blog. I know this might be too sentimental for some, but, well, this is my blog and I get to post what I want. :) It is written with an honesty that I find refreshing, so I hope it's ok if I share it.

MEDITATION WRITING

meditated the other night and for some reason was able to lucidly write - this is what came out - i haven't mediated/gone that deep in so long, and the connection was beyond what I could explain. here it is;

--So I’m sitting here, and I’m thinking. Thinking about Warren, about life, about who I am, about how unchanged and back to normal I thought I was acting and how I was feeling so lost – how I was feeling like a feather in the wind just aimlessly floating around, waiting for something to pull me towards it or push me away. Begging for direction. No knee-weakening tears and bloody mass for a heart anymore – just quiet... just silence. I see how and I feel now that whatever I ask for, Warren provides me with. I was so tired of the fight. Of the struggle. And he gave me a rest. Not realizing the gift he had yet again granted me with I became lost in my doubt in my love for him – or his for me – or even his existence. Because why? There was no longer noise. Everything just was. And even though I couldn’t change it, I was no longer fighting against it. Like I was standing still watching the images of my life pass by me and I just knew to go with it. That to fight and struggle against the stream wouldn’t make the waters change direction – but only get me to where I’m going to be headed anyway at a much slower, harder pace.

In the little moments of my day I find myself constantly saying to myself “I love you babe,” or “I love you so much babe” and sometimes I know its him and sometimes I know its me. I don’t stop walking because I am knocked out with pain and I don’t run and click my heels because I am so enthralled with love - I just nod and keep on. I know. The truest part of me knows. We are endless. We are unshakable and we are incredible. In every sense of the word. I just know. I don’t have to toil over it every minute to make it more valid to myself. I don’t need to spill over every time a soldier commercial comes on the tv, and I don’t have to pine over his pictures and say every second how deeply I love him and how purely I know within me that he is my soulmate. No. It has changed. And I regarded that change for bad. For different – for him leaving. Because the grief felt different, because the love felt different – I assumed I had changed, or lost him, or lost myself – or had just lost. Lost this game of life I’m supposed to be playing. But I didn’t’. He’s been here all along and he wont give up. He wont let go even if I believe I have. He wont back away when he sees me steering for a dark scary hole. He jumps in right after me and wont stop until my brow is above the water line again. He fights for me. All the time. Constant. He fights for me when I cannot, or am not even aware that I am fighting. He is all the love that surrounds me daily and I have been so blind. He has made me into such a better person and I cant believe in how many new ways I am still learning that. The other day I was so mad at myself …. I thought to myself, “I would NEVER let people treat me this way before Warren died. Never! I’ve become such a pushover. So careless. So willing to settle for [garbage].” When that is EXACTLY the opposite of what I have done. I welcome all into my life so easily now. I want them there. I want whoever crosses my path to do more than just pass by. I appreciate every little tiny thing because I know what it feels like to have every one of those anything’s taken away from me all with one sentence. “He died last night.” And that was it. No changing things, no remaining in the past – moving forward now into a life that was once was a big house, and now just an empty white room. I welcomed everyone. I want to hear people’s stories. I have gotten to know people I never would have. I have dived into people’s souls who didn’t believe they even had a soul. I strive to connect with others. I am patient with them. I am changed. I am better. Not weaker. Not more willing to settle for the mediocre. No. Warren’s love has changed me. He continues to change me. He is the truest form of me – the truest form of love – he never leaves, never waivers, never dies. I love you Warren. I hope you are smiling.