One down, 60 more to go

I am not really sure what to write. Today is the kind of anniversary you hope you never have to celebrate. And yet, here I am. I can't believe it's been a year since John passed away. I have known this day would come, and I've wondered what it would be like. How would I feel? Would things be better -- easier? I get frustrated sometimes (ok, often) that really not too much has changed in the last 12 months. I'm starting to realize that it probably won't. But why would it? Why would it get easier? Time heals wounds, Time heals broken hearts, but Time doesn't lessen the longing for your companion, it deepens it. And mine is a deep that knows no limit, it seems.

I never knew before how physical emotions can be. How missing someone can literally make you feel weak, nauseous, and like your chest is on fire, all at the same time. I am grateful for the love and support that I receive daily from my Savior. I don't how I would get through a trial like this without Him. But my longing for John, I know, will never leave me until we are reunited.

I can't really put into words how I felt when I was told that John's body had been found, and that he was no longer living. I felt like my insides had been ripped from my body, that all the lights had gone out and I was being sucked into a black hole. I guess that is what despair feels like. It didn't last long, however. As soon as I turned to my Savior, hope and love began to fill that black hole again. Light entered my life again. And while the pain and sadness continue, I know I am not alone. I also know that there is purpose and meaning behind it, and that in the end it will be such a blessing to me that I will thank my Heavenly Father for it.

My sister, Tam, took me to the place John passed away the Sunday following his passing. And without sharing too much, I will just say I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, comfort, and patience. I love John. And I love my Savior, on whom I rely every day of my life.